Coffee Shop Blues
by arandomshipper
Summary: Chuckie mourns his dating woes over a cup of coffee. Lil has some advice for him. Oneshot.


Disclaimer: I'm not an owner, I'm just a random shipper.

 **Coffee Shop Blues**

Chuckie walked into the coffee shop looked around. He was the first one there. Unsurprising, since he was half an hour early. He ordered his drink and sat at the usual table.

The gang had been together their entire lives, from when they were babies, too young to even remember, through elementary, jr. high, and high school. They were very close, much closer than an average group of friends. Recognizing that life can cause even the closest of friends to grow apart, they resolved upon graduating to meet up once a month if at all possible. Of course, everyone had missed their share of these meetings over the years. Life happens, after all. Nevertheless, here was Chuckie, twenty-eight years old, ten years after graduating, and the meetings still happened regularly. Even if someone, even if almost everyone missed, whoever did make it would carry on, and the tradition would continue.

After waiting only five minutes, Lil walked through the door. When she saw him sitting at their regular table, her face lit up. She ordered her drink and bounced her way over.

"Chuckie! I'm glad you're here early too, now I have someone to talk to while I wait!" She said happily. "Oh, hold on a sec." She bent over her phone for a minute or so. "Ok, all set. So, what's been going on with you lately?"

"Oh, nothing much. You know me, same old boring stuff."

"Uh huh, uh huh," she nodded, not buying it. "So what's the latest with your girlfriend, that what's-her-name, Melissa or whatever?"

"Oh, um, uh, well, that's kind of...over with." Chuckie did his trademark stutter.

"Oh I see, you dumped her already. Quicker than usual." Lil nodded sagely.

"Yes, I dumped-HEY! How'd you know I dumped her? She could've been the one to dump me. Are you having me followed?" Chuckie said suspiciously.

"Chuckie, Chuckie, Chuckie," Lil patted him on the shoulder. "Anyone with a brain could see by now that you only have two dating patterns. Your natural victim aura attracts the man-eating, aggressive, bossy type. Pattern one is that one of those girls will go after you, and you'll give in and date her, and she'll think that you're the weak-willed, henpecked man of her dreams. Until she finds out that you actually do have a backbone, you just like to hide it for some reason. Then she dumps you."

"That doesn't happen!" Chuckie shouted. "You're making that up!"

"Right." Lil said, unimpressed. "So Brittney was...?"

"Um, uh, that was, hmmm, well it kind was a little...but that was just one time!"

"And Nichole?"

"Uhhhhhhhh..."

"And what about that thing with Ang-?"

"No, please!" Chuckie begged. "You're right, I agree you're right, so please don't bring that up!"

"Ok." Said Lil, satisfied. "So that's pattern one. Pattern two is where you find a girl that is the type you think you want. She's nice, quiet, and submissive, just like you. You put in the effort to get to know her, ask her out, and the two of you engage in dating bliss...until you discover that for some reason you're not happy with the relationship, and you have no idea why, so you have to give her the 'it's not you, it's me' conversation, and you break up with her. Melissa was a nice girl. That's how I knew."

Chuckie put his head in his hands. "Am I really that predictable? All my relationships are doomed. Doooooomed. Before they even start."

"Not at all, Chuckie." Lil rubbed his back. "You're just doing it all wrong. I can help you get into a lasting relationship, if you just agree to listen to everything I say."

"Really?" Said Chuckie hopefully, lifting up his head. "You'd do that for me?"

"Of course, Chuckie, what are friends for?" She replied cheerfully.

"Ok, I'm listening." Chuckie said attentively.

"Well, the first thing you have to do is realize why all your other relationships didn't work." Lil lowered her voice conspiratorially.

"That makes sense." Chuckie got an uneasy feeling in the pit of his stomach, like he always did when someone in the group was planning something he didn't like, but he didn't know the cause of it.

"Now, you've got to promise me you'll listen. No running away if you don't like what I tell you, ok?"

His uneasy feeling grew exponentially at this, but he still responded, though with some trepidation, "I promise."

"Good." Lil nodded. She knew she had him now. Chuckie was not the type to break promises. "Let's start it off easy. The Man-Eater type. You just have to get better at rejecting them at the beginning. You and I both know that kind of girl will never be right for you."

"I know," Chuckie groaned. "But it's hard to just reject someone just like that, especially when she's so insistent. It's not in my nature to be so blunt."

"That's true." Lil frowned. "Getting you to be firm about that may be a lost cause. I guess we just gotta get you in a relationship to avoid all that. That brings us to the next thing though. Those meek girls that you always think are your type. That's not your type at all."

Chuckie's unease grew yet again. "Are you trying to say you know my type better than I do?"

Lil smiled. "That's exactly what I'm saying. That's the whole reason we're having this conversation."

"Fine." Chuckie waved a hand. "So tell me what my type is, oh great master of all dating knowledge."

"Easy. You need someone assertive, but not aggressive. A natural leader, who isn't bossy. Someone exceptionally nice, but not meek. Someone adventurous, who pulls you out of your shell and makes you do all the kinds of things you want to do, but are too afraid or apathetic to do on your own."

Now Chuckie knew down deep inside the reason for his trepidation, but he refused to allow his conscious mind to acknowledge it. "Look, if you're talking about Tommy, I don't swing that way, and besides, he's got a girlfriend."

Lil's face lost all amusement. "I'm not talking about Tommy."

Chuckie laughed to hide the fear raging in his mind. "Well it sure sounds like you are, that was like a perfect description of Tommy's personality-"

"Chuckie." Lil interrupted. "Stop. You know I'm not talking about Tommy. I'm talking about the person you are hopelessly in love with, that you have been for most of your life. That's why all of your relationships were doomed from the start." Then her grin returned, but now full of deviousness and evil. "But it is funny that you mention Tommy. Because I seem to remember that when you first met her, you said...what was it again? Ah, yes, word for word, 'Oh, great, another Tommy!'"

Chuckie closed his eyes, wanting so badly to run but his promise holding him there, as Lil continued her onslaught.

"You were sooooo jealous and protective every time she so much as got _near_ another guy. It was cute, really. Watching you struggle with it all these years. But come on, Chuckie. You're twenty-eight going on forty here. It's just sad now. I'm not sitting by and watching you bungle it up your whole life. How much longer are you going to wait? She's the same age as you, and she's never dated. Lucky you. How much longer do you think _she's_ going to wait?"

"She's not waiting for me!" Chuckie snapped.

"And how would you know?" Lil was exasperated. "You never made any kind of attempt whatsoever. How would you know what she's waiting for?"

"But...but she's my sister." Chuckie whispered helplessly.

"Not by blood. And actually, that just makes it better. When you guys get married, no one will have to change their last name."

"Jokes. The heaviest issue in my life that has weighed down my heart and mind for years, and she makes jokes about it." Said Chuckie mournfully."

"That's also what friends are for." Lil patted his back one more time. "Now stop messing around with your life and take a shot already."

"Oh sure, like it's that easy. I hardly ever even see her anymore."

"I know." Lil's devious grin was in full force. "That's why I'm going to help you out just a little bit more. Oh, hey Kimi, we're over here!" She waved.

Kimi walked up and sat at the table. "Hey guys! I'm a little early, it's great that you two are too! We can get our little catch up session started while we wait for the rest of the gang, huh?"

"Actually," Lil said in mock sadness, "Tommy's at a film festival today. Dil was invited to a UFO Watchers Of The World meeting, which he of course couldn't turn down, and Phil got tickets to the Laker game."

"Oh, so it's just us three today?"

"Just us three. Oh, shoot! There's that ballet recital at my Alma Mater that I promised to attend!" She pretended to remember. "Sorry, guys, I gotta duck out early. Have fun!" She winked at Chuckie as she got up. Chuckie uselessly held out a hand in protest as she walked out the door.

"Well, that was kind of weird." Kimi said. "Oh, well. So what have you been up to lately, Chuckie?"

Chuckie cleared his throat nervously. "Well..."

A/N: I have now been through the AGU romance section of this site, and I was shocked and appalled, _appalled,_ to find that there was NOT ONE SINGLE CHUCKIE/KIMI FIC ON THIS ENTIRE SITE! NOT ONE! Shame on you, ff community. Shame. On. You. I mean, Changelica, sure, whatever, who am I to dump on someone else's OTP, but can't Chukimi get any love here? So I whipped this up. Hopefully it will catch on, and this pairing will start going somewhere.


End file.
